I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
