My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
40s are totally the cure
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
