He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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