In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
