How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize