can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
