dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
