Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
