i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
