When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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