sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I intend to get homeless drunk
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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