I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The struggles of a small town man whore
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
