So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
