im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
