I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
