So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
