Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's just so happy...and so naked.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
