All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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