he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
