stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wish there were birth control emojis
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
