when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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