i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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