Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
