Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
