Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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