I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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