I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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