Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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