Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
