mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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