She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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