I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
sarcasm needs its own font
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
