The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize