Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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