im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
