hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
