lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
