if i can run in heels then i can drive
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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