don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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