you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
