i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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