I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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