i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
