she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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