Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
