please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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