A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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