lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
