I just saw a hot homeless man
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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