dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
