Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
