By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
