I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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