Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
