your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We have so much sex to catch up on
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
