remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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