upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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